Oh, The Woes of Being a TCU Boy…

At least once during every TCU boy’s four years of college, he has stopped at a party or bar, looked around, and thought to himself, “Wow…this is fun. I can’t imagine why anyone would be thinking about gender ratios instead of just enjoying themselves.”

Now, I wouldn’t want you to think I am being flippant—this is assuredly an area of great concern. We all remember when we were applying for colleges, right? Flipping through brochure pages or clicking through university websites, we all searched in earnest for the gender ratio of each prospective school. National repute: click, don’t care. Offered majors: click, where the hell is the gender ratio. Tuition costs: click, mom and dad may want that link. FAQ: Wait! This may be it!! And then finally, at long last, we had unearthed the most important fact about the school we were researching.

As a sophisticated study recently found, the ratio of guys to girls at TCU is somewhere right around 40-60.  At this point, I am sure many of my female readers are either shaking their head at the injustice of this fact or trying to Franzia away the knowledge that they only have a pool of 3,424 males to choose from. My male readers, on the other hand, are undoubtedly fist pumping and looking forward to the inevitable fulfillment of their polygamous fantasies of having “the ultimate opportunity to score.” Not bad, right boys? Eh? Eh?

Not so fast, gents. The at-a-first-glance-favorable gap should not be taken so lightly: least of all by Greek students. As of 2012, there were roughly 1,438 Greek males and 2,566 Greek females. If we do the math, the ratio for Greeks then comes closer to 35-65. I’m super good at math, but for those of you who aren’t, that is a huge 5% differential in each direction. But that’s even better, right? Hold your horses, you testosterone-ridden muscle junkies: I haven’t begun to make my point yet.

What most people don’t realize is that TCU is somewhat of a…hmm…let’s call it a parallel universe. No! Let’s call it…TCU Land. “But isn’t that the same thing as TCU?” you ask. “NO!” I exclaim, punching those three keys with my knuckles for emphasis. Calling it TCU isn’t artsy enough. So, I’m talking about TCU Land the parallel universe, not just TCU. Still with me? Okay, let’s press on.

In TCU Land, there seems to exist what my friends and I have dubbed “The Rule of 3”. For efficiency’s sake, we’ll henceforth call it TR3. Now, TR3 states that many girls on campus believe that they are approximately 3 points more attractive than they really are. “But why?” you ask as you rub your temples in confusion, questioning yourself (ladies) or your most recent “score” (gents). You see, according to TR3, this misconception exists due almost entirely to girls floating around pools of their more attractive girlfriends. When this happens, and when their more attractive friends obligatorily comment on how cute their new haircut is, or how that inch of makeup really accentuates their cheekbones, they gain a sense of attractiveness—studies show approximately three points’ worth—that they do not necessarily deserve. We will call this being “TCU Cute”.

Before I go any further, I must say: generally speaking, TCU girls are some of the most gorgeous around. But if TR3 does not apply to all girls in TCU Land, how do we differentiate between the genetically blessed and the three-point-bumpers? There is a simple litmus test: merely scroll through a girl’s Facebook profile pictures. If pictures of just her or her and a guy have more likes than pictures of her surrounded by her girlfriends, then she is a genuine specimen of  splendor. If the latter genre of pictures have more likes, however, she is likely a beneficiary of TR3.

But how can TR3 have such a grip on our campus? A handful of years ago (for the record, I have no idea how many years I can hold in my hand, I’ve never tried) Playboy magazine (a good source to quote when you end your article with feminist reassurances of confidence and “real beauty”, in case any of my female readers would like to write a similar article focusing on girls) stated TCU was second in the nation for most attractive female students. Now I know what you’re thinking. “Excuse me,” you begin indignantly, “these attractiveness rating articles are almost always based on opinion, as opposed to the attractiveness rating articles that are based on fact!” And to that I respond, “Yes, doubtful reader…but this article was published in Playboy.” Bow down to my logic, doubtful reader…bow down.

However, in the last pocketful of years as a student at TCU, I have too oft witnessed a guy “score” with a girl who may be considered…ahem…less than attractive. But why would a guy hook up with a girl who was anything less than a soft 6, or at least a hard 5? There simply aren’t enough Pollywogs to justify such an act; therefore, the only explanation can be that the soft 6’s/hard 5’s of TCU Land are benefitting from TR3. The soft 6 is now a plush 9, and the hard 5 is now a diamond 8.

We, the boys of TCU Land, are being duped. This mystic Rule of 3 may not be ruining our chances to find multiple partners, which some writers are wont to believe every male wants, but it is ruining our chances to have multiple attractive partners, damn it.

With this I close, gentlemen. For those of you looking to hook up with multiple attractive women, or even settle down with one goddess, remember: TR3 only applies in TCU Land. Once you leave this bubble of black magic, you will be able to again clearly see real, attractive, confident, definitely not bitter or recently shunned women for the 1-10’s that they are. You will find yourself suddenly at peace with the world. Never again will you glance down the bar and be conned into ogling at a 5 that appears to be an exquisite 8. Ladies, you may be getting us in your beds now, but remember: after college, you will be docked 3 points, and we will see you for the sub-5’s that you all really are.

Who’s laughing now?

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One comment

  1. somebody · November 15, 2013

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