It has come to my attention lately that attending TCU is more dangerous than ever. It seems that if you aren’t being screwed over by your professors who conveniently schedule tests the same day, then you’re being cold clocked by a mugger or burglarized by someone with no civilized sense of property. That said, it seems nothing short of astute to put together a list of survival tips for Crimeageddon 2014. Take these pointers to heart, and I promise you won’t be caught with your pants down. Also, your pants will not be stolen.
1. Jog More, Drink Less
Nothing says “You can’t have my wallet” like turning around and hauling ass. However, this presents one pretty clear problem: your lack of speed. You need to whip your ass into respectable shape so you can leave that criminal in the dust. Next time you get a craving for $14 worth of Taco Bell, go run a mile and have a salad. Also, you disgust me.
Since most muggings happen in the late hours of night and you’re probably in college, your lack of sobriety is also a pressing issue. That said, stop drinking so much if you know you have a long walk home. The only thing easier than mugging a totally fudged 21 year old is mugging an unconscious 21 year old, not that those two are necessarily exclusive. While drinking is fun, getting your wallet stolen at knife-point is unarguably going to kill your buzz. If you maintain your fitness and a relatively cloud-free mind, you can run away from the mugger. Leaving your new acquaintance far behind you, he will have no choice but to go mug a fatter, more drunk person who didn’t take my advice because they love them some effin’ Fourthmeal.
Lastly, wear somewhat practical shoes out at night. If you have on two inch heels and have a half mile walk home down Scary Berry Street of Nightmares and Crime, then honestly…you deserve to be mugged.
2. Stop Posting Pictures Of Yourself At The Bar While You’re Still At The Bar
Doing this is basically like putting a big “I’m not home, thugs!” sign on your front door. Guess what? Social media is social. Like, super duper social. People can see that, and if they know you are at the bar, they know you aren’t home. I know you want to show off your fitter bod (see: number 1), but post the picture in the morning. Patience is a virtue, and sometimes not having your TV stolen is the reward. Stop being so stupid.
3. Lock Your Door, All The Time
My roommates know I like to try on their clothes when they aren’t home. For whatever reason, they think that’s “really weird” and don’t like when I do that, so they lock their doors. The same logic applies here. If you don’t want people taking your stuff, make it harder for them to get to that stuff. I’ve never tried, but I would imagine kicking down a door isn’t all that difficult if you really want to get behind that door. However, I would also imagine it’s a huge pain in the ass to kick down a door. Also, it makes it pretty obvious that someone is not supposed to be going in a door if their key is actually a foot and they’re using it to bash their way in. Locks aren’t failsafes, they’re deterrents. To deter, though, the locks rely on your using them. This applies to your house obviously, but also to your car. And your bike, if you ride one of those (nerd haha). Basically, if someone is trying steal your stuff, at least make them work pretty hard for it. God knows work ethic isn’t most criminals’ strong suit.
4. Pay Your Dealer/Don’t Screw Your Patrons If You’re A Dealer
This one goes both ways, and is really applicable at TCU. First, I’m not condoning drugs. Drugs are bad. Had to get that on the record. However, if you buy drugs from someone, pay them for those drugs. It’s their business, and they will get their money. Just like the bank or the government will foreclose on you and take your stuff if you don’t pay for it, a drug dealer will also take your stuff, and maybe even break your leg with a baseball bat or shoot you in the face.
If you’re a dealer, don’t screw your patrons. Like you, they’re obviously not too concerned with the law since they’re doing drugs, so they may steal your drugs. Then you have to go to the trouble of getting in your car, pay for the gas to get to their place, kick in their hopefully locked door, and break their leg with a baseball bat. It’s just a lot of work you don’t want to have to deal with.
5. Buy A Gun And Learn To Use It
I’m not sure if this is wise advice for everyone. Since I’m not one of those crazy Fox anchors who thinks even blind people should have guns, let’s just say I put this one on here as a joke. Yeah? Alright.